just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
