In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
