I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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