so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
