Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
