I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
