my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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