The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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