i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
