My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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