i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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