Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
