Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
