there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
