a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
