Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just found a bag of teeth...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I will pee on everything he values.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
