I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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