I am in a vortex of obligation.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
