soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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