It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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