I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
