I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
