farters have to be the big spoon...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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