Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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