I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
