haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
