New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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