I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
