you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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