Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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