Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
