Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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