Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
