Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
