woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
