Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
