Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
