you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
