why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
