I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
