Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
