I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The chlamydia really affected his face.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
