Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
