He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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