i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
