I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
