it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
