THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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