watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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