I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
