We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
