and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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