I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
