we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
